Backstory/Introduction: Lately, every night I’ve had dreams that have been really affecting me when I wake up in the morning and then sticking with me throughout the day. My whole life I’ve never really remembered any of my dreams but recently they have been so vivid. Subscribing to the idea that your dreams mean things hasn’t really been a part of me. Like I don’t believe that if you have a dream about an apple, then it means explicitly this one idea.

But these dreams I’ve been having most of the time have been nightmares. I’ve been murdered, robbed, kidnapped, arrested, and chased. Honestly, those are the dreams that I can handle because, after the initial shock of waking up and realizing you aren’t in a terrible situation, you can be grateful that you aren’t and count your blessings. But the dreams that have really been affecting me are the really good ones, the pleasant fantasies that my brain comes up with. Because when you wake up from those dreams, you instantly realize that your life isn’t that. It’s a bummer when you realize the amazing thing you were just living out in your head wasn’t real and you have to pedal backward with your expectations of what things could be and live with that feeling. 

A false sense of community: Last night in my dream I made friends with someone I look up to in real life. let’s call them Alex, Someone who I’ve always thought would think I’m lame if they ever met me. But for some reason that I forget, we had coffee and discussed some ideas we had for some project and realized we were on common ground. 

After talking over a coffee, they took me back to this apartment building where there was an eclectic group of people who all lived and worked on this hostel-esque place. They were a community of people that gathered on top of this elaborate rooftop area, with different open spaces, structures, and desks. Kind of like an adult playground. People were showing each other all the interesting a creative things they were working on, collaborating with one another, and selflessly helping the next person. If you weren’t working, you were smoking weed with others, listening to music and laughing with friends, or just straight up passed out because you worked yourself to exhaustion. 

There people there came in all colors, all sizes, all ages. None of those borders really seamed to matter. Alex introduced me to these people and they instantly took me in with open arms. They were all excited to hear what I was working on, they all were sharing with me their new ideas and the progress they’ve been making in their own creative endeavors. It felt so nice, like some creative utopia where everyone just fed off of one another, everyone pushed each other to do better, do more, no one was judged and everyone was accepted for who they are. It was really something I’d never experienced in my life. 

I remember in this dream, I had that thought, that this was something completely new to me. I’ve had plenty of friend groups in my life but none that felt like this. I’ve always been a loner and someone that’s not extremely comfortable in social groups. Thriving in solidarity has always been a part of my identity and I never thought that would ever change. I’ve always felt like an outsider, even when I’m beside some of my closest friends and loved ones. Sharing my thoughts and ideas has never been something I’ve felt comfortable doing. All of my best friends throughout my life, we’ve been into very different things and are very different types of people. Very few of my friends, do I share a common hobby with or taste in culture or passions. I’ve been a lone wolf in that sense.

But being a part of this odd dream collective made me realize that I’ve never really felt a sense of community in my life. Being a part of something greater that you can identify with and have a strong sense of belonging. I remember feeling in the dream like these were the golden days for these people, they all are going to succeed at whatever the hell they were doing and they were all going to look back at this era as the best times of their lives. 

I spent what felt like a month there. It really felt like a home to me, a haven of production and community that I really was happy to be a part of. Every day was sunny and fun, every day held a new idea to bring to life and every day there was a group of people genuinely excited to have you around, and you were genuinely excited to be around them. Everything was just cool and new. 

But nothing lasts forever I kept thinking. This couldn’t possibly last, right? Like they were all going to grow older and gain more responsibilities, and that energy that everyone was bathing in every hour of the day would soon fade away. But would it? Maybe the people would come and go, but what if they were just swapped out with new people? Was it the space itself that held this magic? And the people there just got to experience it for their slotted time while they were there? What part of the equation was ephemeral? 

But now that I’m awake, I have a deep yearning to be a part of something. I felt what it was like to be a piece of a beautiful puzzle, and now that it was taken away from me I kind of feel more empty and alone than I have ever felt in my life. This loner state that I’ve thrived in for decades no longer feels right. I don’t think I like the idea of myself as the puzzle, instead of just being a piece of a greater puzzle.

I work freelance, so my job cycle isn’t constant and I don’t see the same people every day, My hobbies include skateboarding and playing with a camera, which are both very individualistic activities. I live in a basement studio. My very small and broken family lives in completely different parts of the world. My friends are starting to get married and have kids, a club I’m also not a part of. 

Where does one find a sense of belonging and community in the world? How do you feel a part of something that feels right? Do I host a book club or start playing sports or join a community garden, or a support group or take painting classes or go back to school, or become an alcoholic who goes to the same bar every night where everybody knows your name? 

Or do I look for someone who will take me to the rooftop of the apartment building where a bunch of people hang out every waking moment of the day?