QRCKY INTERVIEW

The way I look at your paintings, I feel that you strip down the subject of their worldly appearance, in order to show a kind of universal energy that lies beneath what we perceive. Is that accurate to how you view your work?
While I shy away from definitions, I’d say my art is a commentary on metamorphoses, and the inversions of the world visible under the signs of hallucination and madness. I move silently through redlined, drug-infested streets of Baltimore – a hallucination of my America.

It can make me feel like I’m slowly unraveling. It becomes increasingly difficult to keep a balanced grip on one’s being.

Much like color; black and white are tools to highlight and emphasize aspects of my art as a whole. I want the viewer to see things in new ways, escape into whole new worlds, and allow their imagination to fill in the blanks. My images lack color, and human minds naturally pick out shapes within the paintings. I embrace this concept. The exaggeration of my artwork takes on a life of its own; where light conflicts with darkness. Black and white is the tone of nightmares.

When you say hallucination, are you referring to your perception of reality?
It doesn’t seem real. It never seems real to me. It seems like I’ve always got this weird disconnect when I’m viewing things.

I knew a little while ago, I was at a table with you guys. I know I was talking to you, but it didn’t seem real.

None of this seems real to me.

It’s just the way I cope with things. If I go somewhere, then I usually see something. That’ll put me in a mood where I need to paint or get some emotions out. But, it doesn’t seem real.

It doesn’t seem real that a group of people could have this much hardship, but also still be joyful and happy going through what they are going through. It just blows my mind.

What are some of the biggest hardships we go through?
Drugs, or the pain of loss.

My dad was on drugs, so I know what that life is like.

He finally got off of them, but it took a long time to get to that point. It took a while, but I had a chance to reconcile with him, and have a good life with him while he was still living.

I’m thankful for it. I’m very thankful for it.

Where I was from, if you weren’t playing sports, then you weren’t a real man.

So, if you had a liking for cartoons, then you were considered a nerd. I wanted to stay in the house and paint all the time. It wasn’t an easy life. My brother, on the other hand, played sports and was good at them. He still is. But I wasn’t. I don’t think I was what my dad wanted in a kid because he didn’t have those bragging rights.

Nobody wanted to hear about the kid in the house who was painting all the time and watching television. But, I didn’t want to be outside. It just seemed like a waste of time.

Have you always felt a disconnect from reality?
I remember we had cookouts at my mom’s and grandparents’ houses. While everybody was out playing; I would sit there, and just watch the fire.

Just sitting and thinking – it was fucking beautiful. But, nobody else took pride in what I thought was interesting. What I thought was fun was being creative. So, if you live in a society where what you love is not supported or celebrated, then you’ll always feel like an outsider.

How did you try to overcome that and accept yourself for who you were, rather than the person other people thought of you as?
I grew into who I really wanted to be. I would have died otherwise. If something were to happen to me, then I wouldn’t have anything to show for my life – other than bad relationships and regret.

Really, I was fighting my way out of depression. Now I’m on the other side looking back, like, I’m glad I’m not there anymore. Bottoming out needed to happen.

But, if something were to happen to me, please know I was happy. I was so happy, and I’m as happy as I have ever been in my life. Nobody wants to hear that, but I want to hear that. I met peace for the first time in my life.

I remember when I was a kid. I was the happiest I could be, and my dad came in behind me. I told myself, don’t look around, don’t look behind you. He was cutting up drugs as I was watching cartoons. I’m sitting there like, don’t turn around, don’t turn around. It finally got the best of me, and I turned around.

He looked at me and said, “You had to turn around didn’t ya?”.

He told me he was trying to get something for us for Christmas.

“Don’t tell your mom”, he told me.

So I didn’t. Christmas came, but I didn’t see him then, or for three more days after that. I held that secret for the longest time. When things like that would happen I would draw and paint my emotions out. I would keep my paintings right under my bed. Every now and then, he’d go in my room and look at them, and toss whatever he thought might be incriminating.

My dad got old, and he got off drugs. He was a totally different person. But, at that time, I wasn’t ready to accept who he’d become. I was still holding on to the guy he was. It wasn’t fair.

The only reason I forgave him and moved on was my son was born. When he was born, I thought I had no right to keep my son away from his grandfather. So I called my dad up. I hadn’t talked to him for maybe eight years.

My brother talked to him all the time. I didn’t. So, I called him. I said, “Hey, you know who this is?”. He said, “I know what my son sounds like.”.

So I said, “Did you hear?”. He didn’t say anything. I said, “Would you like to meet him?”. So, I set up a time, and I’m freaking out while driving over there. I had my son in the backseat, and I went inside.

There he was. Sitting in front of the television. He was waiting for the game to start so I got everything set up. I said, “Oh damn, I left the diapers in the car.” I went back to the car, and instantly thought, you left your kid in there? What is wrong with you? Abuse, pain, hatred…I’m remembering everything.

I busted back in the house. But, when I go in there, he’s fucking changing my son’s diaper. I went to the bathroom, and I just broke down. I had to get myself together because the person I was holding onto had gone. He was changing my son’s diaper. I could fucking never imagine.

That was the last I saw him because it was like three months later that he died. I had that moment of closure.

Did you place importance on the idea of forgiveness?
If you don’t, you carry around baggage. That’s going to hurt you in the long run. I don’t want to carry that baggage anymore. I just don’t. Like, say I’m mad at my ex. No. I hope she’s happy, and I hope she finds a significant person that brings her happiness, or whatever in her life that brings joy.

I hope they truly find that. Life is too short to wish for hate, vitriol, or pain. I just don’t have the energy for it. I put more energy into this. I’m good.

Transfer that energy into something positive.
Having my son was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It was like getting to live childhood over again. He got anything he wanted, as long as he did what I asked him to do.

I remember I didn’t have my first birthday party until I was 21 years old. My mom just forgot, and financially it wasn’t really…ya know? Nobody knew because I didn’t say much.

So, one day, I was with my mom, and she was looking through an old photo album – looking at all the birthday parties. She goes, “Where are your birthday parties?”. I said, “Ma, you never threw me a birthday party.”. She replied, “Yes I did. What are you talking about?”. I told her I never had a birthday party. She started crying, and on that next birthday, she threw my first birthday party. I was 21.

So, when my son had his birthday party I went all out. He had the Megazords, he had fucking Yugioh cards and shit, and he had a huge stack of toys. He had it all!

My mom and my wife saw all the gifts, and said, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t let him open the presents in front of the other kids. It will make them feel bad.”. I looked them both in the face. I grabbed the packages, ripped them open, and handed them all to the kid.

Your birthday is one of the few days out of the year that is all about you, and you can’t open your presents? I said, “Oh my God, there’s no way in hell.”.

He was a great kid. He’s still a great kid.

If you’re coasting through life, then you’re not really there. I’m in this body. I’m moving around. But, this is not really my life. I have my own fantasy world that I can go into; it’s so much more interesting and peaceful. Now, my fantasy and my real life are starting to blend together, more and more.

The more I feel free to say what I want, to think what I want …

It feels like my hand on the wheel again. I’m driving my own car. That feels great. I can be easily influenced sometimes.

But, I’m at my best. You’re meeting the best version of me right now.

Saying what I want, and feeling what I want without any filters – it’s the best. I didn’t live my life the way I wanted to for a long time. Now, more and more colors are coming out of my pieces because I’ve been able to express myself.

I feel free to do it. To quote Inglorious Bastards, “The best way to keep a people alive is to keep them fearful.”.